-Barbara de Angels
The article ‘An Alien Culture we can do without’ (The HINDU Open Page, April 18) deified the institution of marriage and abhorred live-in relationships. However, only one side of the issue was presented. Live-in relationships are a reality in today’s India and viewing it through the prism of morality will prevent us from seeing the unique pros and cons that come with it. It is commendable that the Supreme Court of India, in an appropriate and candid manner stated that “when two adult people want to live together, what is the offence?” and expanded it by reiterating that living together is a right to life and is a question of personal view. Jolted by the verdict, brouhaha about the sensitive issue has been going rounds and needless to say it has fomented the ire of the puritan moralists.
The concept of premarital togetherness is not alien to our culture. Our Gods set the trend aeons back. Our mythologies are replete with broad hints of premarital co-habitation, polygamy, polyandry and so on. In ancient India, there were eight different types of marriages of which the father giving away his daughter was only one type. It seems that our forefathers were more broad minded as the bride could choose the husband of her choice when she came of age. The legendary Shakuntala and Draupadi are portrayed as powerful women along with the tradition bound Sita.
Perception of sexual morality is constantly changing in our society. Those who paint the moral picture on live-in relationships are thoroughly disconnected with the realities of the present. When the lifestyles of people have changed in the last few decades, the views of prudes seem outdated and out of sync with changing times. Society must grow up to respect the rights and decisions of consenting individuals with mutual understanding in matters of personal choice. Morality is highly subjective and is not a bundle of dry positives and negatives alone. Rather, man’s rational valuation of realities must be given precedence.
Marriages make families and have social approval and blessings. This has been the custom that was evolved through the years. As customs are man-made practices, they have to change with the changing times. It is really unfortunate that our society is not open enough to accept single mothers, life partners, inter- caste marriages and homosexuals. Free thinking individuals who follow their heart over the social dictates are victims of disapproval, dismay, distrust and even disgust. Straddling the lines between the traditional ways and the unconventional ones are fraught with dire consequences. Khap Panchayats rule over our Constitution, skewed morality chokes individual freedom.
We can blame the ‘evil’ influences of the west, chic literature and American sitcoms for all we want. The increasing pressure of that the young generation face to succeed has pulled them away from the cocoons of the family into long drawn hours in their offices. The need for companionship may bring two like-minded people together. Mutual compatibility will nourish the relationship than matching horoscope and social approvals. The increasing economic independence of young people emboldens them to go for live-in relationships. This comes with its unique pros and cons. Live-in relationships are for individuals who take complete responsibility for their actions. Here, there is no scope to hide behind social customs and take your partner for granted. As two individuals have committed to live together, they have to face the odds together too. The sense of responsibility and accountability is between the partners. There is a greater commitment and effort put by the individuals to make the relationship work. Also, there is a good sense of living when you get an opportunity to check out your preferences and compatibility. These relationships maybe without vows, but they have values. It is wrong to assume that these couples are afraid to take the plunge into marriage. It is a decision they voluntarily choose and it requires a strong character and determination to make such relationship work.
The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 equates long term live-in relationships with marriages. In India, live-in relationships have legal sanction; what remains is the social sanction.
Originally Posted by Deepa Kylasam Iyer
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