Why People Are Mean and What We Can Do

A friend came to me one day, feeling really upset. There was a man who had made her day thoroughly miserable; he was nasty, rude, and embarrassed her in front of her friends for no reason.




“How can people be so mean? I’ve heard that when they are nasty, it’s because they are in a lot of pain themselves. Is that true? How does that work?”



I didn’t know for sure, but I have been thinking about the same topic a lot, and so I did my best to give her an answer, no matter how clumsy or wrong I might be.







Dollars in the Wind

Imagine that you had a fifty dollar note in your wallet, and one day you opened your wallet and the wind blows it away. How would you react? It would probably depend on how much money you had. If you were a multi-billionaire, you might not even care. On the other hand, the average person might run after it but give up after a while.



But what if you are homeless, sick, and haven’t eaten in days? What if that money was all you had in the world? I would run and scream and jump into the ocean if that was where it went; I would get on my hands and knees and dig it out of a mountain of dung if that was where it landed; I would do almost anything to get it back.



Is it the same thing, but an inner equivalent, with all the nasty things that people do? Self-esteem, approval, happiness – what would one do to get it? The man who walked up to her and began humiliating her, he really wanted to look “cool” in front of his friends. He was emotionally poor and starving and full of self-hatred, and he would do anything to avoid that awful feeling that was eating away at him.



The nastier he is, then the more desperate he is to fix that pain – except he doesn’t really know how, and chose the unhealthy, hurtful way to do it. It doesn’t matter what he looked like externally; she told me he had a really nice business suit and a really expensive looking haircut. One’s inner state doesn’t always correspond to one’s outer state. Inside, he was starving emotionally, he was in pain, and he was doing the best he could to fix it. Conversely, emotionally rich people, those who are happy and full of self-esteem, are compassionate and caring. The joy overflows from them in the same way that water flows out of a full cup if you keep pouring.



(By the way, if a reader is thinking, I understand the emotional poverty, but what does he mean by pain? This is because I actually used a different illustration with my friend, but changed it for this article in case someone got offended. The original story I used was a joke video I saw on Youtube once – a man who was stuck in an elevator overnight and had diarrhoea. He was in such pain that after a few hours he just did his business in the corner of the elevator then burst out crying at the mess he made. He had no choice, he was just in so much pain and he didn’t know what else to do. Wait – I just told my readers anyway, which defeats the purpose of making up the dollars in the wind story. Ah well, pick whichever one you prefer. )



Is this understanding something we use to condemn them, to laugh at their misfortune? Do we feel better because it is a form of revenge to know that he is suffering inside himself? It is easy to start thinking that way, but the grim “satisfaction” from such thoughts is actually quite painful. We are just replacing one form of pain with another. It only feels better in comparison to the original hurt, if it does at all.



Perhaps we would be better served if we used it for understanding and compassion. How? If we can see his motivations in this way, we begin to see that it was less to do with us than we thought. The hurt begins to diminish, because a big part of the hurt is that we think we somehow deserved it. Allow me to explain.



Why Me?

This is one of the most common thoughts we have when someone treats us poorly: Why me? Is it something to do with me? Did I deserve it?



The answer, of course, is different in every situation. Sometimes we did do something wrong. But in her case – a random attack from a total stranger – it was more about him than it was about her. And if you are reminded of someone that hurt you in the past, think carefully about what happened – could it be more about them than it is about you too?



I remember one night I was at a relative’s café. It was late in the evening, and he had closed shop for the night. The lights were mostly off, the waiters and chefs had gone home, and the plastic chairs in the outdoor area were neatly stacked up, ready to move back into the building. The two of us remained inside after closing time, enjoying a quiet chat.



All of a sudden we heard a clashing noise from outside. A man, possibly drunk, had walked past the café in a rage, and he was raving and shouting at something or someone. As he walked past the chairs we had stacked up, he punched them, smashing them over before storming off. The poor chairs! Are they so hideous? Are they so pathetic? So ugly?



Can you see what I am getting at? Could we blame the chairs for what had happened to them? He was in a rage, and the chairs just happened to be in the way. What have they done to deserve it? Nothing.



But why did he choose to call me names? My friend was upset and unconvinced at the chair story. Why not the person sitting next to me?



Again, only he would know the real reason for sure. But my best guess was simply that she was convenient, or maybe she couldn’t hurt him back. To illustrate this: why did the man outside the café punch the soft plastic chairs and not the big metal umbrella stands that were right next to them? He would have hurt his hand, probably. It was a snap decision – he had no choice, his emotional pain was so strong and he didn’t know a healthier way of dealing with it. He just had to hit someone and the first thing he saw that wouldn’t hurt his hand was the stack of flexible plastic.



In the same way, maybe my friend just didn’t look assertive enough. Maybe it was because she was young and looked innocent. Maybe the person sitting next to her had big muscles and tattoos. Again, we don’t know for certain, but these are certainly likelier explanations than what she was thinking: What is wrong with me? Am I just despicable, a total loser, so much so that some random stranger hates me when I’ve done nothing to him!



Update

Something I forgot to add: There is another piece of information that might help us accept this. Because what happened was rare for us, we think it is a rare event overall. Therefore, it must have something to do with us, right? Therefore, we did something to deserve it, right?



But think about this: With my friend, it’s almost certain that the man does it all the time. It simply wasn’t personal, although it felt that way to her because nobody had abused her like that in her life. But for him, it’s just another day; she was the latest in a long line of targets. Consider that possibility with whatever happened to you, too. Whatever he or she did – it has happened many times before, to many other people and will most likely continue to happen to many more in the future. It might not have had anything to do with you.



Making the Heart Match the Head

With many people, a simple chat like this can be all they need. Certainly my friend felt better, and so I didn’t continue. But have you ever felt like there is a clash inside you? That you understand it intellectually, but you sure didn’t feel any better? Your head gets it but your heart doesn’t?



One thing we can do then is to simply let the answer sink in. Sit with the new understanding a little bit – for instance, it wasn’t my fault, or it wasn’t because I am a loser. And just let the emotions be there, whatever comes up. This might feel good, so enjoy it if it does – but it is even more important if somehow it feels horrible. Feel it completely, without resisting or judging it, and let it play out. If you are familiar with The Work of Byron Katie, you can use the entire process with your original belief.



A second, very similar, option is to simply welcome and feel the emotions around the issue. It is helpful to explore both sides in this manner. In other words, if you believe that it happened because you are a loser, then process out the feelings that come with the statement “It did not happen because I am a loser” AND “It happened because I am a loser”.



If there is someone hurtful you have not quite forgotten, something that still hurts, spend a few minutes thinking of what we discussed in this post. Pretend that you were the friend I was comforting – does any of it seem true, or at least more likely? Spend a few more minutes exploring the two processes described above, and then think about it again, and see if it doesn’t make you see things in a different light.

Living the Impossible

The human imagination is a powerful thing.




It is a place where the impossible is made possible, where no idea is too outlandish or far-fetched, a limitless land where we can dream big fantastic dreams.



There is no doubt that though unreal, these dreams are still important. They have allowed us to overcome many obstacles in our world. Just take a look around you: your lamp, your computer, your cell phone; even the electricity flowing through these objects to give them function were at one point just dreams in the minds of inventors, designers and engineers.



But, like so many other things, the imagination is a double-edged sword.



It is when these dreams become more important to us than our realities, when we simply cannot possibly be happy, successful or fulfilled without them, that they become destructive forces in our lives.



We chase such dreams of excessive wealth and grandeur all the time, fantasizing about hill-top mansions and seaside villas. We delude ourselves with promises like “if only I had that shiny new Lamborghini, then I’d finally be happy” or “my house must be at least 7 times bigger in order for me to be successful.”



The first step in learning how to love yourself is doing away with such delusions, or at least the ideals that you associate with them. All they do is contribute to the growing “gap” of ingratitude and leave you just as empty as before if and when they do become a reality.



“But how?” you may ask yourself, glancing out the window at your 10-year-old Daewoo.



“How can I stop wishing I had a Porsche?”



Simple: be grateful for what you do have. TIP: Don’t start with the Daewoo. Save the harder stuff for later.



Most of you reading this will be doing so on your home PC, which means not only do you have a PC, you also have electricity to power it and a high enough income to have been able to afford it. And let’s not forgot the most important bit of all: you can read!



Those four things alone already mean you’re better off than the majority of the world’s population. But I want to boil it down a little further. I want to nibble on the chewy centre of existence, instead of slurping my way through the hard outer layers. Forget the material for now. Let’s focus on the simplest thing that life offers us: living itself.



Do you know how improbable the fact that you, dear reader, are alive actually is?



Regardless of whether you do or not, I’m going to spend the rest of this post telling you anyway.



The Improbability of Existence

Every organism on the planet is made up of billions of cells, which are made up of infinitely smaller particles called atoms, which are in turn made up of even smaller constituents. You, as a human (I hope), are but a sequence of these particles: a sequence that has 1 in 3 google-plex chance of existing. And when I say google, I don’t mean everyone’s favorite search engine; I mean the number with one hundred 0’s attached to it.



That’s right.



One hundred 0’s.



Keep the change.



Remember those elementary school math lessons where your teacher, let’s call her Ms Whippersnapper, wrote down equations on the blackboard? Well it would take little Ms Whippersnapper, armed with a piece of chalk and a shiny new pair of spectacles, approximately 20 minutes to write a google on the board.



Not too bad, right? Right. But you’re forgetting one thing: it’s a google-plex we’re talking about here. If my anecdotes of class-room mathematics have conjured up some bad childhood memories, then you best skip the next paragraph as it only gets worse. Infinitely worse.



Enter the googleplex, the google’s much bigger brother.



A googleplex is a google to the power of a google. In other words: it’s a google googles, a google times. Quite a mouthful perhaps, but is it really that big? Try asking Ms Whippersnapper who, after 1.584 X 10 to the power of 90 centuries, isn’t even half way.



How’s that arthritis holding up, Doreen?



Yes folks, we are talking about a very large number. A ridiculously large number. And I could go on for pages about just how ridiculous and large it really is, but for the purposes of maintaining some coherent point in this post I won’t just yet. Instead, I’m going to show you how this number forms the first step in helping you love yourself.



Yes, that’s right. Wipe that drool off your face and the glazed look from your eyes because we’re going to be breaking that age-old oxymoron of Math and real-world relevance.



What 1 in 3 Googleplex Means for You

I began this post by saying that you, as an individual, have a 1 in 3 google-plex chance of existing (in other words, for those who skipped the math, one in a very big number). That means that out of all the trillions upon trillions of potential people, you were chosen.



You. As in direct second-person.



Your eyes.



Your nose.



Your lips.



You.



And whether you believe this choice was up to chance or the work of your God doesn’t matter (I find both beliefs equally beautiful); my point remains the same: you are very very lucky to be alive.



So instead of only being “happy” when you get that nice new Ferrari, be overfilled with joy that our planet has just right conditions for human life. And instead of considering yourself a failure until you have three degrees and are pulling down $90K a year, know that you, once upon a time, won a swimming marathon for your very survival against countless millions of other competitors. And that makes you pretty damn successful in my book.



You may think you have a boring or difficult life. You may even think it a life not worth living at all. And you have every right to harbor these thoughts. But I’ve based my existence around the belief that every life, including my own, is worth living. And although there are still many things I do not know and much wisdom I have yet to gain, nothing has ever felt more right for me than this.



So if you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this simple truth:



You are special

Beauty Lies in Impermanence

The universe is a chaotic place.

Giant chunks of rock and ice soar through its cold expanse with no destination, and no set path. Stars of unimaginable proportions on occasion explode, sending a blast of radiation in all directions that is so powerful, any nearby planetary bodies are incinerated within seconds.



Is there a purpose behind these occurrences?



Does Halley’s comet intentionally pose for the telescopes before whizzing off for another 75 years?

Does a red giant wake up one morning and suddenly just decide to go supernova?



No, because these events are caused by random physical laws that we have no way whatsoever of controlling. In other words: shit just happens.



But I think an unknown Shinto monk put it more eloquently when he said, “the only truths in this life are beauty and impermanence.”



So why then do we reject the impermanence of the ever-changing universe when it comes to our own lives?

Why do we cling to old, habits, places and people so dearly, even if they become negative influences?

Why do we place so much value in order and permanence, even if it means living a boring and monotonous existence?



The answer is simple: we fear change.



The Unknown Scares Us

Whether it be the change of state from life to death, a change of house or even a change of wardrobe, it signifies a transition into the unknown. What we do not know, we cannot control. What we cannot control, we fear.



It is human nature that our imaginations jump to the most unpleasant outcomes: the new neighborhood will be more dangerous despite its excellent reputation; the new job will be less satisfying even if it’s doing something we’re passionate about.



Such fears are understandable, rational even, as defense mechanisms against disappointment. But is it really necessary to shield ourselves from potential hurt at the expense of being constantly afraid? Surely not.



Fear in all its forms is negative, and the fear of change is no exception.



Make Change Work for You.

Therefore, the key in dealing with change is to try and look past its possible negative outcomes, instead seeing what it can do for you.



In every change there is great opportunity and adventure to be found – if only you look for it. Be proactive. Be a go-getter.



Instead of fearing it, be excited for it. Instead of cowering away from it, welcome it with open arms. Savor the feeling of change; as we will see in the next section, it is part of what makes you human.



Impermanence is a Blessing, not a Curse.

Imagine if everything stayed the same, if objects, people and ideas remained fixed in relation to each other in an unending state of permanence; how utterly boring everyone and everything around us would become.



Without an end to things there would no longer be any sense of meaning or beauty in the world. Nothing would age, wither or disappear but by the same token, nothing would be born, created or renewed.



We would be stuck in our present relationships forever, doomed to carry out monotonous task in a world that no longer knew what it felt like to experience something new and extraordinary. The words “new” and “extraordinary” would not even factor into the collective vocabulary.



Perfect order would have been achieved but at what cost?

Losing the very chaotic change that made our lives worth living in the first place?



There would be no cycles save for the never-ending cycle of ingratitude. Because how could we be expected to be grateful for things which have always been and always will be? How could we not take these things for granted if we had never experienced losing them?



Without Autumn, we would never appreciate Spring; without clouds we would never appreciate sunshine and without death, we would never truly appreciate life.



Our lives, fleeting as they are, are that much more beautiful because they end. Every second wasted is a moment in time that you will never get back, and this gives us motivation to make the most of them. We are able to enjoy each sunset and savor each meal because we have so little time to do so.



On the other hand, if you lived forever, I guarantee that after the first couple of hundred years, the most pristine Hawaiian sunset would seem like a bad postcard, and the finest rump steak would taste like airplane food.



Change is Inevitable

Realize that no matter how much we may try to avoid change – no matter how much we may wish that things would stay the same – it is and always will be a part of our lives.



Change is inevitable.



Our only choice in the matter is whether to accept it amicably, or be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the next chapter of our existence.

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Old Parents - Heart Touching Story

Old Parents - Heart Touching Story: An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window. The Father asked his Son, “What is this?” The Son replied “It is a crow”. After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, “What is this?” The Son said “Father, I have just now told you “It’s a crow”. After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time, What is this?” At this time some ex-pression of irritation was felt in the Son’s tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. “It’s a crow, a crow”.A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, “What is this?” This time the Son shouted at his Father, “Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times ‘IT IS A CROW’. Are you not able to understand this?” A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary :- “Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child”. While the little child asked him 23 times “What is this”, the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed. So.. If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents. From today say this aloud, “I want to see my parents happy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered their selfless love on me. They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in the society today”. Say a prayer to God, “I will serve my old parents in the BEST way. I will say all good and kind words to my dear parents, no matter how they behave.

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Self Confidence Story

Self Confidence Story: The business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out. Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy. Suddenly an old man appeared before him. “I can see that something is troubling you,” he said. After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said, “I believe I can help you.” He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, “Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.” Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come. Read more after the break... The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D. Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world! “I can erase my money worries in an instant!” He realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe. Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought. With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again. Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check. At the agreed-upon time, the old man appeared. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man. “I’m so glad I caught him!” she cried. “I hope he hasn’t been bothering you. He’s always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s John D. Rockefeller.” And she led the old man away by the arm. The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him. Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.

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20 Life Lessons from Turtles

20 Life Lessons from Turtles: (Click on the Pics to view Larger) 01. Even when you're feeling small, face life with a big attitude.  02. Because the sun will shine again. 03. So when you look in the mirror in the morning, remind yourself you're worth it 04. And remember: The important things are already at your fingertips. 05. Don't be shy. 06. Embrace your quirks. 07. Your real friends won't fault you for being different. 08. Life, ultimately, is a balancing act. But that's no reason you can't enjoy yourself in the process. 09. Even the best of us get stuck and struggle. 10. Sometimes you have to take the plunge, regardless of what your friends think. 11. Just take all the proper precautions. 12. But no matter how hectic life gets, make sure to stop and smell the roses. 13. Or eat them, if you prefer. 14. And there's no harm in treating yourself, either. 15. But it's not all about you. Help others out when you can. 16. Remind your friends and family how much you love them. 17. It's important to have a hobby you enjoy. 18. ...And a hobby you can share with friends. 19. Be sure to schedule something nice for yourself every now and then. 20. Because sometimes it's best to forget your troubles and let loose, turtle-style.

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Love Your Parents - A Touching Story

After 12 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to invite another woman to dinner and a movie. She told me: “I love you, but I know that the other woman loves you and would like to spend time with you.” The Other Woman , which my wife asked to pay attention to, was my mother. She was a widow for over 19 years. But since my job and three children demanded all my strength from me, I could only visit her occasionally. That evening I called her to invite her to dinner and a movie. - What happened ? Are you okay? – she asked me at once. My mother’s first reaction was usually like this whenever she the phone rang late at night she reckoned it was bad news. - I thought it would be nice to spend some time with you: – I answered. She thought for a moment, then said: ‘I really want this.” On Friday after work I went for it and i was a little nervous. As my car pulled up outside her house, I saw her standing at the door and noticed that she seemed a little too excited. She stood in the doorway of the house, threw her coat over her shoulders. Her hair was curled in ringlets, and she was in the dress she had bought to celebrate the recent anniversary of my wedding. - I told my friends that my son will take me to the restaurant today evening, and they were deeply impressed – she said , sitting in the car. We went to a restaurant. Though it was not luxurious, but it was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm and walked as if she was my first lady. When we sat down at a table, I had to read her the menu. My mother’s eyes are now able to distinguish only large fonts. As i finished reading half of it, I looked up and saw that my mother was sitting, staring at me, and a nostalgic smile lay on her lips. - In the past, when you were little, I read the whole menu for you – she said. - So, it is time to pay a favor – I replied. During dinner, we had a very good conversation. It was nothing special. We simply shared the latest events in our lives. But we got so busy that we were late for the film. When I left her home, she said: ‘Once again, I’ll go with you to the restaurant. Only this time, I invite you. ” I agreed. - How was your evening? – My wife asked when I got home. - Very good. Much better than I imagined – I replied. A few days later my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I had no chance to do something for her. A few days later I received an envelope with a payment receipt from the restaurant where we had dinner with my mother. The receipt had an attached note: “I paid the bill for our second dinner in advance. However, I’m not sure I could have dinner with you. But nevertheless, I paid for two people. For you and your wife. I have no words to explain to you what that dinner to which you invited me, meant to me: My son, I love you.     Take care of your parents! They are the only ones who truly rejoice in your successes and experience for your failures. Be with them more often than possible, because the day when they will not be by your side might come completely unexpected … Thanks to http://ritemail.blogspot.in

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40 Best Practices for a Better Life

40 Best Practices for a Better Life Health: 1. Drink plenty of water 2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar 3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in plants 4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy 5. Make time for prayer 6. Play more games 7. Read more books than you did in 2010 8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day 9. Sleep for 7 hours 10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day and....while you walk - SMILE! Personality: 11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea whattheir journey is all about. 12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 13. Don't over-do; keep your limits 14. Don't take yourself so seriously ; no one else does 15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip 16. Dream more while you are awake 17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.. 18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present 21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you 22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 23. Smile and laugh more. 24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Community: 25. Call your family often 26. Each day give something good to others 27. Forgive everyone for everything 28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 &under theage of 6 29. Try to make at least three people smile each day 30. What other people think of you is none of your business 31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Yourfamily and friends will. Stay in touch. Life: 32. Do the right things 33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful 34. GOD heals everything 35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change 36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up 37. The best is yet to come 38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it 39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. Last but not the least: 40. Do forward this to everyone you care about. Do what you want Be who you are Say what you feel Because ..... Those who mind, don't matter... and Those who matter, don't mind!

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